to the girl i’m moving on from

My mind has been fogged for some time now. Toxins of paranoia fill in the cracks in the brick walls of this city. Disappearing into the darkness, they hide from my sight but linger in my mind.

I have been drowning. It has been happening for a while, and I blamed it on school on this ever-present need to finish something. But then I realized something, I am drowning myself. The version of myself who I used to be. I am killing her.

It is the only way to move on, to forget. But there are parts of her that I love. And I don’t want her to die.

How can I be Her if I was never Her before him?

Now he is not here, and I cannot linger on him. It has been almost a year now. You have to move on.

I am, I say, but I am drowning out a part of myself to do so.

That girl, she was acutely aware. She could sense danger from miles away, feel it coming. She was so afraid. Afraid to hurt someone or to do wrong or to move. She was paralyzed by this fear to the point she couldn’t reach out to anyone she loved. She was never happy in that relationship, since the beginning.

But she was at some points. There were a lot of positives that came from it. She learned a lot about herself and other people. She learned to care, though she doesn’t always. She learned to fear and compatibility and dependence. She explored the deepest parts of her consciousness. She learned to love to the point where it hurt. She still learns to move on. She has learned her worth is more than that of a mountain or a hill. She is more than something to be conquered.

She is beautiful on the inside, and she is smart. I wish I could describe how smart she is. She is too smart for her own good. She is brave, and she can overcome anything in the whole world. I do not want to lose her.