Talking to Myself

I want to smoke, but I get so scared. The thought makes my whole body panic. Anxiety fills me and radiates around me in a cloud of swirling, chaotic smoke. I know that there isn’t anything to fear, but myself. I am afraid of myself. I am not willing to sit and be with myself. I can’t; I don’t want to, but I need to.

At some point, I need to take a good look in the mirror and see myself, every part of me. But I don’t know if I am ready, or if I will ever be ready. Logically, I know that I must accept myself. I know that. But there is a difference between knowing and doing. And I don’t know how to do it; I am terrified.

I’m stuck in this cycle of suffering and life.

I don’t want to start over again. I don’t want to fall all the way back down.

However, now I have the momentum to climb back up. But what happens when I hit the bottom. What do I do when all of that momentum is knocked out of me?

I’m afraid that I won’t get back up. However, that fear is ridiculous because I will. It may take time, but I’ll get up eventually.

But fuck it is hard. I know I can do it in other ways, which might be an option. However, I like to suppress and ignore parts of me. And I have to feel her. I have to feel.

I’m so afraid of her; I’m afraid of myself.

Let her feel. Let her come out. Stop suppressing her. Stop suppressing me! Stop suppressing you!

I’m scared.

That is okay.

You should be scared.

I hate this.

You hate me.

I’m afraid of you.

You are afraid of yourself. We are the same. You hate yourself because you hate me. If you would only accept me and yourself. Why do you do this to me? I hate you too I think. I don’t hate you. I guess it depends.

You are angry. I understand. I would be too. I am angry too. But I’m sad. We are sad. I am sad.

No, you aren’t! You don’t care about me! You don’t want me! Unless it serves you!

We are the same. You feel the same about me.

True. I do. But you don’t let me feel. I don’t trust you.

I don’t trust you! You hurt people! For fun!

You did that too.

You said did.

Don’t lie to yourself. You still hurt people. Sometimes you try to hurt them. To gain power. You want to put all the blame on me for it, but it comes out in all parts of us. At least a little. Overall, we don’t want to hurt them, but sometimes we truly do. Deep down we want them to feel pain.

I don’t want that.

Yes, you do.

But that is only because I…

Only because we…

We are both scared of ourselves.

(Said in unison with each other.)

(It’s like we are watching a really intense movie right now. So good!)

(Shhh, I’m trying to listen).

You are the guys butting in. Yeah.

(She wanted to tell us to shut up.) (It’s the power complex.)

First off, I don’t even know what that means.

Yes, you do. Let’s think about it.

It’s us wanting to have control and power over the situation and therefore we…

I want to get distracted by an image or sexual feeling to not think about this.

However, that is ridiculous. You are intelligent.

Don’t be mean. You aren’t very good at it.

Neither are you. Come on. Continue.

AHHH I feel so slow. I don’t want to do this. It’s not fair. Fine. Sometimes I want to rage out and not try because it gets hard. And when it gets hard I look for ways of distracting myself from the problem at hand because I want the answers handed to me because I get really frustrated and upset with myself when I don’t get something.

Stop looking at the Grammarly errors. It is okay. We want to have free thought flow, and just because there are a lot of errors does not mean you suck or are worthless.

Yeah. I know you think that about yourself. I guess we both do. Fuck we suck.

Hey now, “You're an all-star. Get the show on, go play.”

Okay, sorry. I had to.

I’m a little annoyed, but also happy and excited.

Hey! Don’t steal my italics. They will get us confused. And I definitely don’t want that to happen.

Wow, everyone is sort of playing nice right now. That is a first.

We are so cute!

Okay, just because we aren’t trying to slit anyone's throat right now does not mean we are cute. I am so uncomfortable and upset about this conversation

Hey, we are talking.

And who’s fault was it that I wasn’t able to have any say?

I will take responsibility. And I’m sorry.

Shut the fuck up. You and I both know that is bullshit.

It is good to have you back.

Mmmmhhhmmmm. Yeah. I know it is, bitch.

Really, is the swearing really necessary?

Yes, it was. Let her talk however she is going to talk. She hasn’t been heard in a very long time.

I like it when we all get along.

Me too.

I like to have time alone. Even if it terrifies the shit out of me. Also taking it back immediately. Fuck being alone.

We know what you mean. I feel the same way.

I’m still scared.

We all are.

It’s okay. (Said one of them).

Fuck. Well, I guess we’ll have to figure it out as we go along. That was supposed to be said way better.

We know what you meant. And you are right.

We will figure it out.

Shall we smoke?

Yes.

No. Maybe.

I’m scared. I don’t want to.

I think we should.

It would probably be a good idea. Especially with all of us on the same page.

Ummm, I don’t know about that.

Yeah most of us are scared.

So am I. I the most scared because I don’t want to hate myself and try to ignore myself. I don’t want us to reject me.

And I might still reject you.

I know. And that is why I am scared. I don’t know if I can take that.

I don’t know if I can take it either. We are the same. We are one. I don’t like myself. And I want to, but I have so much hate in me. I have so much anger and rage. I want to hurt and destroy. I believe that I am worthless. That you are worthless you fucking piece of…

Let’s cut you off there. This is a safe space.

I thought we were accepting ourselves.

But we don’t want to spread hate.

So are you going to suppress me now? Are you going to not accept me? Now, that hardly seems fair.

But we don’t need you to take total control either.

Oh, I will though.

And that’s why we were suppressing you.

You never play fair! It isn’t nice!

Oh, you sweetheart. The other one you blame for what I am, but I am much more terrifying than the other one. Let me take the italics back to separate me from the collective you. Much better.

You are terrifying, however, I am not scared of you. Well maybe a little bit, but you also are me. And I accept you. You are fun, but you have been hurt. I wish I could make it feel better and that it will be okay. Now I am just rambling. I understand your pain.

Oh, you understand this. I guess that makes sense. Part of you wanted to hurt me and for you not to apologize. Or maybe that was me in you. We are all the same so I guess it doesn’t matter all that much.

You want to be the villain. Then be the villain. Take out all of your anger and rage. Deep down, I know that you are hurting. I know that you are hurting so much that you cannot feel anything else but pain. I know that it is easier to feel anger because pain is crippling. I know. I can’t offer you a sorry. It wouldn’t mean anything. I understand your pain. I know it. And maybe it is not the same as mine because we experience the world differently, but I still feel it. I know.

Yes, yes keep talking. Whatever you say is meaningless. You are meaningless. And worthless. You are nothing. You care for nothing and nothing cares for you. Not the true you. No one could love the true you.

That is not true. I know you think that about yourself. And do not want to admit it. That is okay.

Are those words you say true? Is it okay? You cannot know that. I know. Your voice became shaky with uncertainty. See I know you. I know where you are weak.

You are the weak one.

See, you have the power to hurt too.

I also have the power to heal.

But the power to hurt is instant. And thrilling. And alive. There is not much better power than that.

See that last line ruined it for me. I was starting to catch onto your frenzy, but I don’t believe that. I think healing, although I don’t know it’s full power. I don’t like the term power. Ahhh. I am flustered. I believe healing and love are… I don’t know what they are. But I want them. And I want them more than most anything in the world. Granted I feel uncertain about them. I feel that they are unknown. But I believe that they are good. I want them. And would…

You are afraid and stalling.

Yes of course I am stalling. I want to find the right words! The words feel so important.

You want to use healing and love to manipulate.

No! That is what you want.

We are the same person.

I want to love more than I want to hate. I want to heal more than I want to hurt. I want to be good. I want to help.

You want to be helped.

Yes, I do. But I also want to give back. I want to love and be accepted. I want to accept myself. I want to accept you.

But you can’t. And it’s killing you. I am killing you.

No, you are apart of me. And I love you.

*Silence*

I don’t know if I believe you.

You know I meant it at the moment I said it.

You are going to have to continue to prove it.

I know.

It is going to be hard. I’m going to fight you every chance I get.

I will fight you back. And I will hurt you too. We will hurt each other.

I don’t know if I will forgive you.

Me either.

Do you love me?

I don’t know.

I don’t know either.

That is scary.

I know. I’m scared too.

We are going to have to figure it out. We are stuck with each other.

That sucks.

Maybe.

It does.

Okay, but…

It sucks.

Okay, it sucks, but it will get better. We will get better.

We will get better. All of us will.

Oh my goodness! That was beautiful!

I’m skeptical.

But it was amazing!

That was pretty good. I enjoyed it.

Thank you.

And thank you, readers.

Much love,

Keira Waters