Sort of a Chaotic Post

Erased.

My mind is polluted.

The negative spreads like plague infecting every part of my mind. It reaches into all aspects of my life making me pass through the world in a fog. Sometimes it leaves me unable to move or speak.

I thought this pain was going to start to get better. I thought that after school, after the winter, I would be happy again. That is what happened last time.

I’m told to give it time. That I will start to feel better soon. Maybe I need to be taking more steps to start feeling better, but every day is still a struggle.

Usually, the world is okay, good even, for a few hours after I drag myself out of bed. I sleep often. And can only pull myself out of sleep after I make my nightmares turn into dreams.

See I dream frequently, they are usually terrifyingly dark. I wake up with fear pouring out of me but push myself back into sleep. For there I can change the end. In the dream state, I work to repair the damages, desparingly seeking a better solution, so I can join reality in a better place.

The day begins well most of the time, but after night falls, I find myself changing into someone different. I lose all the joy and motivation that came with the day. I want to curl back into sleep. But I cannot sleep for more than 12 hours a day. I’ve tried. So I find myself trying to pass the time away.

Have you ever tried to pass the time away? It is not a good feeling. What a waste. But I do not care. I want to care. But wanting it does nothing to make me care.

Sorry for having so much“poor me” content. I do not intend for it to be this way, and I am incredibly grateful for everything in my life. I am mostly using this as a way to understand and escape my mind.

The last statement seems contradictory, but for me, it means that by writing I can understand how my mind works and why I feel the way I do, while also being able to release the negative and escape reality for a time being.

I really do love writing. It is one of my favorite forms of expression, that and dancing. Dancing can be one of the purest forms of expression. Movement is an art. There is so much rhythm, flow, and emotion that can be conveyed through dancing.

I wish to create. I wish to learn and grow and thrive. These are the things I strive for. I do not always do these things, and sometimes I take many steps backward, but ultimately I want to evolve. I’ve come so far already, and have to keep going. The mountains keep coming and I must keep climbing.

Thank you all for reading. Definitely leave comments if your heart desires. If the last part got a little confusing I do apologize. The girl is getting sleepy. Have a good night.

-Keira Waters

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