Pain and Sex

Have you ever loved somebody, but known that they cannot give you something that you desperately hunger for.

Sexually I long to experience pain. Intense, furious pain. I crave to be teased and tortured, pushing against my limits until I can take it no longer. And maybe even then I want more.

But I cannot say that. Not really.

Remittance Girl once said (I don’t remember the exact words), “There is a world of a difference between reality and fantasy…” Then continued with expressing the importance of knowing the difference.

I live in a world of fantasy. So I cannot say anything to any of my words, but the more I understand myself, the more I seek out suffering.

I was having a conversation with my stepdad the other day, and we were talking about punishment. My whole life I would do something bad and in turn, get punished for it. As a new adult, I no longer have someone to punish me. No one to inflict pain on me when I do wrong.

Therefore I seek out punishment. My significant other will not hurt me (this is ultimately probably a really good thing because now I have to confront my challenges instead of feeling release through physical pain).

To add a side note: pain and sex are two forces that are constantly tormenting my existence. I also feel happiness, love, joy, excitement, boredom, anger, etc, but pain and sex are two that demand attention and they call for it often.

I want to experience them both fiercely at once. They interloop so seamlessly.

-Keira Waters