Inside My Mind

Fuck this. Why do I feel so god damn terrible? I don’t want to be this way or think this way. We are not our thoughts so what the fuck are we?

I don’t want.. Fuck. FUCK. I feel so upset and so out of control! Why can’t I feel good? Have I ever felt good? I hate this more than anything. I fucking hate myself for being this way. Am I even in control? I want to be in control.

I’m so sick and tired of all of this. I hate that I cannot write anything but this negative shit. Nothing makes me feel good.

That isn’t true. It is just because you had food. And you had too much of it. If you were to not eat so much you would probably not feel this way.

I think we might be allergic to dairy, and it is making you go crazy.

I feel fucking crazy. I don’t know what to do.

Maybe cut out dairy?

But I don’t want to do that.

Why don’t you do anything to improve your life?

Why don’t I want to feel better?

I do.

But you aren’t doing anything to make it better.

That is not true. You keep on telling me to eat so I feel better.

Or is that you?

Who is really the bad guy?

I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am.

I am fucking crazy. We are all crazy.

I don’t know what is wrong with me.

We are not crazy. And I understand that by saying that it makes it sound more so, but all people are just a collection of many combined into a singularity. However, we are all just energy and matter constantly changing.

Okay, enough.

Why? Why enough. Maybe I wasn’t finished.

You don’t know anything.

That doesn’t matter. It is fun to talk about. Unlike everything else happening in my mind.

I’m tired.

Oh so sad.

Go to bed.

Fuck everything.

And then what? You don’t want to be here?

Look you can’t even say it.

Don’t say it. It doesn’t even matter, it’s not true anyway.

We don’t all agree. But a small part might…

But they don’t have the say. They are overruled.

Fair enough.

That’s one thing. I want fairness. It matters so much to me. I find it rather odd that I feel this way because life is not fair. Not even a little bit. Yet, I want the world around me to be fair.

I’m so uncomfortable. The pizza and ice cream have inflated my blatter causing extreme pressure on the skin and fat. I desire to pee. To let everything out. But that pressure will not go away. Not for many hours.

Sometimes I can speed up the process by drinking a lot of water or doing ab workouts. But I feel so horrible that I don’t want to move. I know both of those will make it better, but then I will have to feel the pain so much more intensely. And all I want to do is avoid that pain.

So I drank a bunch of water. So I think I should fast tomorrow. But the whole idea of it is terrifying. The last time I fasted for the whole day, I had a very difficult time.

I had to face all of the negative emotions I was avoiding all at once. And realized that maybe I too wanted to hurt others (when caused pain by them).

I’m in a confusing spot now, because I still don’t want to feel anything. So I’m avoiding it at all costs. Tomorrow, I commit to fasting the whole day no matter what happens. That is a commitment I intend to keep.

The rest of me doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. However, it is already decided. And I believe in myself. Sort of.

The dread is already starting to seep in. Wild how, I haven’t even started, and it is only the idea that is causing me pain. Is this a test to my will power? Do I need to push myself so hard? What if I only said I wouldn’t get fast food tomorrow?

But I feel like it is time. You don’t need food. It is good to fast for a day if not more. Maybe I should fast for two days? Let's start with one for right now. It’s okay that I am scared.

It will be okay.

I want to be done now. Thank you for listening.

-Keira Waters