Dec 30, 2020
Fear of Disappointment
The all-consuming, overwhelming, immense feeling of loneliness wraps fully around my presence.
I have been able to escape it, but it grows on me, lingering in the still moments. In the time where my mind has run out of distractions.
Yet sometimes this loneliness becomes most prominent in the chaos of everything. When suddenly I am too overwhelmed and my own senses cannot keep up. I snap. Everything breaks and irritation floods me.
I have lost all control.
Though it is nice to not be in control. This feeling of looseness and realness that I have been missing for some time is finally here. I am myself. I am all of myself.
I have to remember what it is like to be me, all of me at the same time. Do other people struggle with this too? I am trying to find who I am, but I have to put all of the pieces together. I have to rebuild into myself and who I want to be.
But I don’t fit in a box. I cannot keep putting myself in different boxes depending on the occasion. I want to be fully myself all of the time, but it is confusing when I feel like I am constantly changing all of the time.
Each day, there is something different that impacts my entire existence. I feel so fragile. So affected.
Each moment means something, and it can change everything.
But maybe that isn’t the case.
I still feel I need to find myself. I fear what will happen if I am around different people. I fear they will change me. Because they will. Humans adapt when they surround themselves with different people. They change their behavior, shifting to who they are around most often.
I want to be guided in a different light. I want to spend time solidifying myself, but even still I am not doing that. I am with my family, so they are impacting me. Though I believe that this is important for my development as a person at this time in my life.
I need to talk about something.
This is safe. I am in a safe place. No one here will judge me. I was much younger back then too.
In high school, I used to date black men. And by date, I mostly mean fuck, but we did hang out and go out on occasion. Some of the guys I would smoke with, others we would talk about the future and life with.
And the two that I saw most often, we did more than just fuck. We were friends. One I saw myself with for a very long time. A part of me loved him, but our backgrounds and cultures were vastly different. More so than what either of us was ready for.
He said he was going to marry an African woman and move back to Africa as soon as he had saved up enough money.
I invited one of my girlfriends over one time, she brought over another man. And I wonder if she was lying about that. If she was only saying that to make my person, not like her as much. But I also feel I remember hearing the other person on the line. Still, I wonder.
Then there was this other boy, but he really has turned into quite the man. I fear I have hurt him. Though I am uncertain he would ever admit as much. I had rejected him on many occasions. I feel horrible and useless. He is my friend, yet I also think of him as another good fuck. And he is a really good fuck, but also he is, or was, though still could be, one of my really good friends.
I think we choose our love. We choose our love and we love our choice. My bonus mom said that to me the other day.
I choose someone else, and we were not meant to be together. However, I still care for him. Though I know that we are not good for each other. There is so much pain and regret there.
These two other people I want to reconnect with, but I am ashamed. I am ashamed of how quickly I left. How quickly I was ready to give up on the possibility of us.
I have another woman in my life now. She is kind and sweet, and I see us having a life together in the future as well. It is good because there is none of the shame I feel from the past with her, but I fear I could make similar mistakes.
Looking back, saying I should have done something different does not change anything. What is done is done. So now, I must not make the same mistakes. I cannot let opportunities pass because of my fear to be rejected.
I am terrified of rejection.
It is because I do not want to be alone.
I don’t think anyone does. Or maybe they have grown used to it, and they know that people will always disappoint them. I can see that. I can see that clearly now, when before I could not.
However, people are just people, and they make mistakes. They make a lot of mistakes, and that is okay.
I will never be enough, and you reading this will also never be enough. And that is okay.
It is okay to not be enough. I never understood that before. Or I had forgotten it.
To quote Death Cab for Cutie, “I will follow you into the dark.”
This post has changed dramatically since the beginning, yet has anything truly changed?
It is nice because, in writing, I can walk myself through the thoughts and emotions that go through my head. I can convince myself of realities and ideas. I can motivate myself to do better, and I can actually confront my emotions, sometimes.
I am still terrified. I am stuck standing on a cliff, one that I should just jump off and see what happens.
I hope that there is water at the bottom.
Let me call back to the metaphor of the mountain. We are all climbing our own mountains here, and I have gotten to a point where I believe that it would be beneficial to now just jump off back into the valley. What? That is ridiculous, right? However, this is the valley of falling in love again.
But the debate is, am I ready. No. I am not ready to make choices on who I want to fall in love with, but I think I am beginning to want to find love again.
That is another thing, love has many forms.
I can feel the panic creep up my throat. My body edging with anxiety. This is a conversation that I would rather avoid.
I want to love and a deep connection, but it terrifies the fuck out of me, literally. My body shakes and convulses just thinking about it. Okay, it may not be that extreme, but it is still scary.
I like where I am at. Right now, is a good place to be. Of course, there are many things I should be doing better, but that is okay, and besides the point. All I want is to stay where I am at and do me. A relationship is way too complicated for the current moment, and I find it terrifying.
It is best to just be friends with everyone, but I also want to be more than friends.
At this point, I am just rambling nonsense and need to be done for the evening.
A thought has emerged in my mind, it is a bad thought indeed. I do not know what I am going to do.
It is better to care for someone too much through actions, and believe that you are just very close than to make it into something more. That is my belief. Do your best through actions, but don’t commit to anything, Commitment means there is will be a disappointment.
Maybe this is my fatal flaw.
