Battle of Dancing
I’m stuck between extremes.
I think this is why I love dancing.
These two lines point out everything that is happening in this very instance in my head. I am chaotic and indecisive, but I sort of like it. I feel the beat and I want to move with it. My body aches to groove with the beat as the rhythm rolls in and out of my body.
To feel loose but crisp. To feel free but controlled. To be one with myself and my body. To be okay with who I am, how I look, how I feel, and why I am here.
I am learning to love myself. And I love how that makes me feel. In my head, I keep going over quotes from Rupi Kaur.
“I didn’t leave because
I stopped loving you,
I left because the longer
I stayed the less I loved myself.”
“how you love yourself is
how you teach others
to love you”
“i do not want to have you
to fill the empty parts of me
i want to be full on my own
i want to feel so complete
i could light a whole city
and then
i want to have you
cause the two of
us combined
could set
it on fire”
“most importantly love
like it’s the only thing you know how
at the end of the day all this
means nothing
this page
where you’re sitting
your degree
your job
the money
nothing even matters
except love and human connection
who you loved
and how deeply you loved them
how you touched the people around you
and how much you gave them”
See, all of the things that need to be said have been said before. Thus, I do not need to say anything else.
Though, I will despite myself.
The voices in my head begin to play a monotonous tune no matter what vibration they are at. Eventually, they will go on for so long they are drowned out and forgotten. Though this is long after I have fully obsessed over them for a more than significant amount of time.
Stress eats at my very soul. Tainting it in impurities. As in doped semiconducting material used for optical electronics.
But the waveforms don’t add up
We have dropped a puzzle piece on the ground, or have vastly misplaced it. Where did it go? Mama, where did it go?
I stole something. I stole something precious.
My precious.
Do you feel your memories flash before your eyes? I feel like I have watched too many movies where people end up almost dying or dying and they have that scene where they scan through the character's memories before they die. I feel like I am in a constant state of experiencing that. Though the setting changes now and then depending on daily life.
I am quite exhausted.
There is so much all of the time, but I think I am managing?
This is how I feel.
But also this.
Though, I feel these are all too generic. Maybe that is the point right now.
I want to dance.
But not feel this confined.
I don’t know. None of this has made any sense. It is time for bed. Goodnight world.
