Fire of anger rages within my inner core. Madness and chaos scream judgment. I try to cage in this rage, but it ripples outward seeping out before I can stop it.
Inside my stomach rests an icky pool of irritation oil. The birds that live in my soul are trying to crawl out of this poison, but they keep getting dragged back into the destruction, falling to their deaths.
How could I have let this happen? How could I have let this oil spill kill everything it touches? It is a sign of neglect for myself and my emotions. I was not addressing that there is a problem, and by avoiding it, I let my unchecked emotions explode and corrupt everything.
Now, I must ask, what is causing this pain, this judgment, this anger?
My soul feels polluted. And while there is goodness within me, there is also a dark evil that becomes me.
In the past few months, I have been working on starting over and building myself back up. This incident has shown to me that I have lost sight of the foundation. I cannot build with an unstable structure.
Even then, I still doubt the legitimacy of who I want to become. How can I know if that person is truly who I am? I want to be a good person, but what if deep down, I am not?
In that case, there is always fighting your inner nature. But I would rather accept myself for how I am or at least recognize that even if I see parts of myself as bad, I can always work to improve.
Here, I have duplicity in the fact that I want to be free of judgment, identity, and live in love and harmony, while I also desire to be a person who has a strong identity. It is the balance between one’s higher self and one’s ego-self.
How can I both be present here on earth while also existing on a higher plane of existence? How can I transcend when I have to worry about paying for a roof over my head and food on my table?
And maybe that is just the thing. I cannot or there are bigger problems to be dealt with than the metaphysics of our existance.
When I am angry, I think a good tool for me to use is to make space. To allow for space between myself and the person or situation that I am in. To take time to breathe and be present. To let whatever is happening to be what it is and to be okay with the now.
One moment at a time.
P.S. I need to stop smoking, but the concept makes me actively upset. The thing is I don’t even like smoking. It doesn’t taste very good, I do not get a nicotine buzz, and it honestly makes me tired and gives me headaches. But the thought of stopping makes me extremely upset to the point where even thinking about stopping makes me want to go smoke immediately.