Anger and Fear

I thought this feeling gone. This deep sickening anger boils my bones. Rage consumes me to the point where happiness hides for hours or days. Why? I thought you had gone, had left out the door. I thought you made a home somewhere else, but here you are tearing up the cushions and dumping out drawers. What are you looking for?

I hide so you don’t blame me, but you find me every time. I don’t pull at me, don’t shout. Please don’t hit me.

Don’t hit her, it wasn’t her fault.

I don’t want to feel this punishment. This discipline. Of course, I eat all of my food now or I don’t eat at all. What is the point of eating anything at all if I already take up too much space in your life?

So I hide, I hide and I don’t get up, not when you are here.

Understanding your punishment adds consistency, I know what I’ve done, thus I know how I will be punished and therefore we make choices.

But having a punishment that is uncertain, gambling comes into play, as well as learning how to work your way out of punishments.

Fuck I am so inconsistent.

What do you do when you are being pulled apart in every direction?

Each aspect of your life is a total contradiction and you can no longer make any choices because every part of you has a different opinion?

I am screaming inside.